Hello again,
It has been awhile since I last checked in but here I am again. I want to admit that there are days that I still wish I did not have this disorder and that I did not have to go through the struggles and that I don't like my path in life. I am in one of those times right now where I just wish I could have a more normal life and be able to be free of Kyphosis and everything that has come with it. I wish I could have been able to keep working and that I could have managed to continue with college and have a career and my own place etc. I wish that some days it was not such a fight to get out of bed and face the day ahead. These days are seldom because a long time ago I realized I had two options to either stay in bed and give up or keep getting up and facing each day and living to the fullest possible and not letting this disorder take over my life and I chose to get up. It doesn't mean that some days it isn't so extremely hard to keep pushing myself that I feel ready to give up but those days are few and far between thankfully. Right now I think this is coming up because once again I have had another birthday and it reminds me of the circumstances that are mine and how much I wish they were different. I think about how much I did not want this but then I try to remember how no one wishes to have something like Kyphosis or cancer or parkinsons or MS and we all have to live with what we are given. But it is hard because I get these thoughts that it isn't fair but in life what is fair? Life is unfair most of the time. I don't mean that to be depressing but just the opposite. If we expect life to be fair, we will get depressed when it isn't but if we know life isn't fair then it isn't quite so unexpected when things go wrong and we don't get as depressed. It also helps me to cherish the moments when life seems fair because I know that it isn't something that comes often. If one feels entitled to fairness they may not appreciate when life is fair because they feel that it is deserved. But that is my opinion and I am not trying to offend anyone. But I have to admit that it can be hard to remember this when going through something that is challenging. It is a conscious effort for me at times to remind myself of this when going through struggles but it is possible. One last thought that sometimes helps me is that without the struggles and the lows, how would we recognize the highs and the good things in life and enjoy them if we had nothing to compare it to? Similarily if we never experienced pain how would we know how wonderful it feels to be free of that pain and the happiness that comes with feeling better?
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
A realization
Hello again,
I have come to a new realization, a breakthrough really. All my life I have been different and had different circumstances than maybe the average person. I do not and never have used this as an excuse however. I have lived with back pain most of my life and would say chronic pain for at least the last 10-15yrs of my life. I have always been hard on myself and tried to achieve what my peers were achieving and sometimes I fell short and that would be very upsetting and I would put myself down. I have always been hard on myself for not being as good as other people. The last 10 yrs I have been especially hard on myself because this is the time that my peers have been working and moving out and going to college and getting married etc. Big life changes and I have not been keeping up but rather falling further and further behind. I have been hard on myself and said I should be at this point and I should have a career and a place of my own etc because that is what other people my age have. It hasn't mattered that I accomplished alot despite the challenges I have faced. In my eyes it wasn't enough because it was not as good as what other people had accomplished. Not to toot my own horn but I had my own business before I had to quit working in 2004 and was successful at it and I did that despite the daily challenges I faced. How many people can say that they had their own business even if they had failed at it? There have been many times I have asked why I had to be different and why I had to have all the pain but I have realized that I should have also asked Why not me?
Now for the realization and the breakthrough. I have been dealt different circumstances than other people and I can't measure my accomplishments with the same measuring stick as someone who has had different challenges. I am not saying other people have had it easy-just that we all have our mountains to climb and different challenges and I can't compare myself to someone else. I can't think about how other people might look at me and think I am not working very hard because I am not in a place of my own or what ever. I don't know that people do think that but maybe what I worry about other people thinking. I have to look at the fact that I have always done my best and worked as hard as I could and never given up. I have done my best to push through what ever comes my way and done so to the best of my ability. So I may not have been able to work for the last 5yrs because of pain and problems standing and I have had to live with my parents because I could not afford my own place. I have never given up though sometimes it was close. I have done my best with what I have been given and that is all I can do. I have to stop kicking myself for not being in the same spot as someone else. I have to be content with what I am able to do but not so content that I don't still push myself to continue to keep doing more. But I can't be so hard on myself. I have possibly gone through tough stuff that the average person doesn't have to deal with and surgery and rods in my back etc and it explains why I am not accomplished the same amount as my peers but I also can't let it stop me from trying to do all I can do. I don't know if this makes any sense whatsoever. I am trying to explain how I feel and what I have realized but sometimes it is difficult to put into words. I hope I have explained myself well enough to get the point across that I am trying to make.
I have come to a new realization, a breakthrough really. All my life I have been different and had different circumstances than maybe the average person. I do not and never have used this as an excuse however. I have lived with back pain most of my life and would say chronic pain for at least the last 10-15yrs of my life. I have always been hard on myself and tried to achieve what my peers were achieving and sometimes I fell short and that would be very upsetting and I would put myself down. I have always been hard on myself for not being as good as other people. The last 10 yrs I have been especially hard on myself because this is the time that my peers have been working and moving out and going to college and getting married etc. Big life changes and I have not been keeping up but rather falling further and further behind. I have been hard on myself and said I should be at this point and I should have a career and a place of my own etc because that is what other people my age have. It hasn't mattered that I accomplished alot despite the challenges I have faced. In my eyes it wasn't enough because it was not as good as what other people had accomplished. Not to toot my own horn but I had my own business before I had to quit working in 2004 and was successful at it and I did that despite the daily challenges I faced. How many people can say that they had their own business even if they had failed at it? There have been many times I have asked why I had to be different and why I had to have all the pain but I have realized that I should have also asked Why not me?
Now for the realization and the breakthrough. I have been dealt different circumstances than other people and I can't measure my accomplishments with the same measuring stick as someone who has had different challenges. I am not saying other people have had it easy-just that we all have our mountains to climb and different challenges and I can't compare myself to someone else. I can't think about how other people might look at me and think I am not working very hard because I am not in a place of my own or what ever. I don't know that people do think that but maybe what I worry about other people thinking. I have to look at the fact that I have always done my best and worked as hard as I could and never given up. I have done my best to push through what ever comes my way and done so to the best of my ability. So I may not have been able to work for the last 5yrs because of pain and problems standing and I have had to live with my parents because I could not afford my own place. I have never given up though sometimes it was close. I have done my best with what I have been given and that is all I can do. I have to stop kicking myself for not being in the same spot as someone else. I have to be content with what I am able to do but not so content that I don't still push myself to continue to keep doing more. But I can't be so hard on myself. I have possibly gone through tough stuff that the average person doesn't have to deal with and surgery and rods in my back etc and it explains why I am not accomplished the same amount as my peers but I also can't let it stop me from trying to do all I can do. I don't know if this makes any sense whatsoever. I am trying to explain how I feel and what I have realized but sometimes it is difficult to put into words. I hope I have explained myself well enough to get the point across that I am trying to make.
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