Another appointment-April 21, 2009

Hello again,
I had yet another appointment again with my specialist. I am glad to say that it was another good appointment with no bad news! Actually quite the opposite. My specialist is very pleased with my progress and I do not have to see him again for another 6 months!!! So either I am getting better or he is getting tired of me! LOL Just kidding. Obviously I am improving. lol It was neat because I basically only had to give him updates on my progress and didn't really have any questions or really any complaints other than I wish it didn't take so long to get better. I meant it as a joke but I don't know if he got it. Oh well. I joke about my lack of patience alot. Eventually maybe I will learn patience and it won't be so bad! lol He was quite impressed with me driving for the first time since before the first surgery despite my problems with being able to shoulder check still. I still have to work on that. Also getting into a grocery store was impressive to him I think and I feel encouraged that I am slowly progressing and getting better. It may seem like it takes forever at times but before I know it, it will be a memory and not seem quite so bad. I just have to hold onto that thought when things get tough. As always though-I was very exhausted from the whole trip and slept incredibly well overnight-nothing could have woke me! Also today I took a few naps but I could still use a bit more rest. I am going to go to bed early I think. I wonder if I am getting older because going to bed early is so nice and I look forward to sleeping! lol The odd thing is that despite being so exhausted sometimes, I can't really sleep past 7am. I wonder why because I am at a point in my life where I can sleep till 8am if I want but I still can't sleep in any longer. Oh well. It is good that I am up earlier so I can make up for the time that is spent in naps! LOL

Another Update

Hello again,
Well I promised a positive post and this one is positive! I have continued to try reach my goal of attempting to sit for 45minutes and while I haven't yet quite got there I am getting close! My last update I believe I mentioned I made it to 30 minutes and I have now managed almost 40minutes and that is without cheating! lol No resting my head against a wall or the recliner! Also I managed another trip to the grocery store and Wal Mart which was quite fun! You don't know how exciting the grocery store can be until you haven't been able to go for a long time! In my previous post I talked about new products I didn't know existed, well this time I knew more what was there so I didn't look silly pointing out stuff to my sister that I hadn't seen before! I can just imagine what some people may have thought if they overheard me. This time I fit in better and wasn't so wide eyed! LOL One thing that I have noticed is that when so much is technically taken away like the ability to get out of the house easily, you realize so much that you have taken for granted and you enjoy every minute that much more. I am still working on opening office doors and it is still embarrassing because I have gotten a few looks and I still feel the need to explain but it is changing. I am getting used to people looking at me strangely when I can't open a door! I am learning just to smile and try to accept my limitations. I have to admit that I had no idea that the surgery would affect so many parts of my life before I had it done. So many little things I just sort of took for granted like muscles working. That is why I feel it is important to share this because maybe I will help someone else who is going into the surgery know what to expect. Who knows? Maybe my posts are just helping me to express myself and work through everything. I don't know. It can be challenging for me to be so open but if it helps even one person-it is worth it. Thanks.

Lonlieness

Hello again,
I apologize for another not so positive post but I want to address something and my next post will be positive I promise! One of the hard struggles I have sometimes had to face in the last couple years has been lonlieness if you can believe it. Because of the surgeries I have not been able to get out of the house as much as I would love and it can get very lonely. It is hard when your friends are too busy living their lives to come visit as much as they would like because it gets lonely and you wish you could be living a full life as well but on the other hand you don't want them to be in the same position you are. Sometimes it really affects me. It feels like being stuck on the sidelines of a game and wanting to join in with every ounce of my being to play with friends but not being able to because I am not in any shape to do so. I guess this analogy could also be a race-the rat race! lol I know I will join in soon enough when I am healed but for the present I just long to be part of it and that longing can be very painful. I am not trying to make anyone feel bad about being too busy but just trying to share one of the struggles I face. Before this, I never realized how lonely it could be to be shut in and not able to get out of the house. I know I am not the only one who is stuck at home or a hospital or nursing home and if you know of someone who can't get out, please visit them or call them if you can spare a few moments-it means the world to those who can't be out and about. Thanks.

A quote by Abraham Lincoln

We can complain because Rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have Roses - Abraham Lincoln

An Update

Hello again,
It has been awhile since I last checked in but here I am again. I want to admit that there are days that I still wish I did not have this disorder and that I did not have to go through the struggles and that I don't like my path in life. I am in one of those times right now where I just wish I could have a more normal life and be able to be free of Kyphosis and everything that has come with it. I wish I could have been able to keep working and that I could have managed to continue with college and have a career and my own place etc. I wish that some days it was not such a fight to get out of bed and face the day ahead. These days are seldom because a long time ago I realized I had two options to either stay in bed and give up or keep getting up and facing each day and living to the fullest possible and not letting this disorder take over my life and I chose to get up. It doesn't mean that some days it isn't so extremely hard to keep pushing myself that I feel ready to give up but those days are few and far between thankfully. Right now I think this is coming up because once again I have had another birthday and it reminds me of the circumstances that are mine and how much I wish they were different. I think about how much I did not want this but then I try to remember how no one wishes to have something like Kyphosis or cancer or parkinsons or MS and we all have to live with what we are given. But it is hard because I get these thoughts that it isn't fair but in life what is fair? Life is unfair most of the time. I don't mean that to be depressing but just the opposite. If we expect life to be fair, we will get depressed when it isn't but if we know life isn't fair then it isn't quite so unexpected when things go wrong and we don't get as depressed. It also helps me to cherish the moments when life seems fair because I know that it isn't something that comes often. If one feels entitled to fairness they may not appreciate when life is fair because they feel that it is deserved. But that is my opinion and I am not trying to offend anyone. But I have to admit that it can be hard to remember this when going through something that is challenging. It is a conscious effort for me at times to remind myself of this when going through struggles but it is possible. One last thought that sometimes helps me is that without the struggles and the lows, how would we recognize the highs and the good things in life and enjoy them if we had nothing to compare it to? Similarily if we never experienced pain how would we know how wonderful it feels to be free of that pain and the happiness that comes with feeling better?

A realization

Hello again,
I have come to a new realization, a breakthrough really. All my life I have been different and had different circumstances than maybe the average person. I do not and never have used this as an excuse however. I have lived with back pain most of my life and would say chronic pain for at least the last 10-15yrs of my life. I have always been hard on myself and tried to achieve what my peers were achieving and sometimes I fell short and that would be very upsetting and I would put myself down. I have always been hard on myself for not being as good as other people. The last 10 yrs I have been especially hard on myself because this is the time that my peers have been working and moving out and going to college and getting married etc. Big life changes and I have not been keeping up but rather falling further and further behind. I have been hard on myself and said I should be at this point and I should have a career and a place of my own etc because that is what other people my age have. It hasn't mattered that I accomplished alot despite the challenges I have faced. In my eyes it wasn't enough because it was not as good as what other people had accomplished. Not to toot my own horn but I had my own business before I had to quit working in 2004 and was successful at it and I did that despite the daily challenges I faced. How many people can say that they had their own business even if they had failed at it? There have been many times I have asked why I had to be different and why I had to have all the pain but I have realized that I should have also asked Why not me?
Now for the realization and the breakthrough. I have been dealt different circumstances than other people and I can't measure my accomplishments with the same measuring stick as someone who has had different challenges. I am not saying other people have had it easy-just that we all have our mountains to climb and different challenges and I can't compare myself to someone else. I can't think about how other people might look at me and think I am not working very hard because I am not in a place of my own or what ever. I don't know that people do think that but maybe what I worry about other people thinking. I have to look at the fact that I have always done my best and worked as hard as I could and never given up. I have done my best to push through what ever comes my way and done so to the best of my ability. So I may not have been able to work for the last 5yrs because of pain and problems standing and I have had to live with my parents because I could not afford my own place. I have never given up though sometimes it was close. I have done my best with what I have been given and that is all I can do. I have to stop kicking myself for not being in the same spot as someone else. I have to be content with what I am able to do but not so content that I don't still push myself to continue to keep doing more. But I can't be so hard on myself. I have possibly gone through tough stuff that the average person doesn't have to deal with and surgery and rods in my back etc and it explains why I am not accomplished the same amount as my peers but I also can't let it stop me from trying to do all I can do. I don't know if this makes any sense whatsoever. I am trying to explain how I feel and what I have realized but sometimes it is difficult to put into words. I hope I have explained myself well enough to get the point across that I am trying to make.

Another Milestone!!

Hello again,
Well yesterday was a day that I have been waiting for since...well too long. Ever since my first surgery on October 15, 2007 I have been unable to make it into a grocery store to get even a couple things due to the pain from healing. I have made it into a couple stores like Wal Mart but only able to manage maybe a max of 10 minutes before being in so much pain that I had to go back to the mini van. Well yesterday.....drum roll (lol)... I went into the grocery store and managed to walk around a bit and lasted for about 20 minutes!!! You have no idea how big of a smile is on my face right now-trust me though, it's from ear to ear! I got to walk through the produce section and past the milk and frozen section and down a couple isles! It felt odd because in a way it felt familiar like I hadn't missed it for that long but so neat because I knew I had and the significance of it as well. Oh and things have changed a bit. First there are products that have new flavors I was not aware of which is odd because usually everything is advertised on tv but I guess some products arent. Second, I got to see what those new pay pass things look like. The pay pass came out after my first surgery-at least where I live anyways. It was a little frustrating because I still do not have the strength to even move the cart and anything heavier than a 2 litre jug of milk was too heavy but even with those issues it was amazing. At first I was reminded of how limited I still am with alot of simple tasks which was very frustrating but then I realized that this is a big huge step forward and remembered that I now have one less thing to conquer. It was still difficult in the sense that it was painful still (but a managable level of pain) and very tiring so I probably won't be doing this weekly. Though I know that quick trips to the grocery store are possible now and I have the option to go if I want to. I am still quite tired from my outing yesterday but I completely don't mind because it was very worth it. It is still a strange thought to think I have not been in a grocery store for almost 1.5 yrs! Well I can happily say I have gotten one step closer to recovering and living a normal life that has been out of my grasp for so long!

A quote by Crystal Hunt

Never regret anything you have been through, because only with those trials will you become a better person the next day." Crystal Hunt

I love this quote because it reminds me that everything we go through shapes us into who we are and that trials we face help us to become better than we were before. We can choose to regret them and ask why me or we can take those circumstances and allow them to change us for the better. I feel there is always something good that comes out of every trial or problem, even though sometimes it seems as though nothing good can come of it. My experience with Kyphosis and the challenges that came with this disorder have helped me to learn patience (though still a work in progress lol) and has enabled me to be better equipped to help others. While I would have loved learning these things any other way, sometimes the only way to learn and understand is to experience it first hand.

A New Goal

Hello again,
Today I have decided to set my next goal to be able to sit up for 45 minutes at a time. I was going to aim for an hour but I think that is pushing it slightly. In my opinion there should be no reason why I can not already do this but for some reason I am still struggling with a fair bit of back pain when sitting. I have managed to sit for this length of time before but with great difficulty so I am aiming to be able to do this comfortably. I am sharing this goal so that when I reach this next milestone, it may be that much more exciting. Also I have it in writing so I will work harder to accomplish this. If I am in a reclined position I am able to last longer so this is going to be sitting in an upright chair-no cheating! Here is hoping I can accomplish this as quickly as I am planning.

Getting out of the house

Hi again,
Getting out of the house has definitely been a challenge the past year and a half or so-due to having surgery and the healing process being painful. Lately I have been needing to visit the dentist which has got me out of the house once in awhile and while difficult, it has been incredibly nice. Right now I can only manage neccessary trips because my back gets quite sore. My mom still gets any groceries I need for me as well which is a huge help. I then just hand her a cheque at the end of the month what I owe her for what she picked up for me. I have to admit I have not been in a grocery store since before my first surgery in October 2007. It is funny that I can't wait till I can walk through a grocery store again and get what I need. There is so much I have missed during these past couple of years that are such common tasks that I used to do regularely. The day I visit a grocery store again will definitely deserve a blog entry! It will also be a definite sign of improvement for me as well. Stay tuned for that. lol

What is Kyphosis-an excerpt from the Mayo Clinic website

Hello again,
Today I thought I would copy the introduction of Kyphosis from the Mayo Clinic that explains a bit about what Kyphosis is. Here is a quote from the Mayo Clinic website:
"Kyphosis is a forward rounding of your upper back. Some rounding is normal, but the term "kyphosis" usually refers to an exaggerated rounding, more than 40 to 45 degrees. This deformity is also called round back or hunchback.
With kyphosis, your spine may look normal or you may develop a hump. Kyphosis can occur as a result of developmental problems; degenerative diseases, such as arthritis of the spine; osteoporosis with compression fractures of the vertebrae; or trauma to the spine. It can affect children, adolescents and adults.
Mild cases of kyphosis may cause few problems. But severe cases can affect your lungs, nerves and other tissues and organs, causing pain and other problems. Treatment for kyphosis depends on the cause of the curvature and its effects.
Kyphosis symptoms may include:
§ Slouching posture or hunchback
§ Mild back pain
§ Spinal stiffness or tenderness
§ Fatigue
In mild cases, kyphosis may produce no noticeable signs or symptoms "
Excerpt from the Mayo Clinic

In my case I had a severe form and I was having difficulty breathing and severe back pain and pain running down my legs that made it difficult to stand very long. I was also in danger of further problems which is part of the reason I had surgery. The main reason was to help the pain I was experiencing every day that was keeping me from being able to work and affecting my ability to do simple day to day tasks.

A Favorite Quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson

"To know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, that is to have succeeded."

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Another appointment-January 20, 2009

Hello again,
Time for another appointment again. Thankfully this appointment was able to be at the hospital again and we were able to sit in better chairs while waiting. As some may have noticed, this is the same day of the Innaugeration of President Obama. I was able to catch the swearing in ceremony at home while getting ready to leave for Edmonton. At the hospital, the tv was on an American channel and showing the parade and they were talking about the new President and it kept my thoughts off of my back which was in pain as usual. I had brought a book along but found that I kept turning my attention to the television to listen to the news people sharing information about the whole day. For the first time, I can't even recall looking at the clock at any point wondering when I would get in to see the specialist. I do know my appointment was scheduled for 2:15pm and I was not finished until about 4pm. I was probably in the area with the beds for a good hour before seeing him but I had a good book so the time passed reletively quickly. The first person to see me was a resident who I talked with for a bit until my specialist came in to see me. The appointment went good and there was no surprises. I remembered to mention to him that I had finally found a book on Kyphosis which I had been searching for for awhile. I want to learn as much as I can about Kyphosis so that I can share this information with other people so that maybe I can help them in some way. There is really only one book that I can find on Kyphosis that is meant for regular people like me to read and understand. I have searched online through many websites to find information on Kyphosis but the information is quite basic and doesn't actually explain it to the point that I am looking for. My specialist seemed quite interested in the book and wants me to bring it along to the next appointment. I also asked him if he felt I would be well enough by summer to possibly travel to the B.C coast to visit a friend in the summer and he felt that is definitely possible. So I have something to look forward to if I can manage to afford it and I continue to do my physio and get better. Anyways there isn't much else that was discussed since the actual time spent with him was probably only maybe 15 minutes so. Overall another good appointment.

A quote by Richard Nixon

"Only if you've been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain."
- Richard Nixon

New Years Day 2009

Hi again,

New Year's Day, a brand New year! Every year at this time I look ahead and wonder what the year will be like and where I will be sitting a year from that point. My thoughts for this year are that it will be a good year. For the first time in a couple years I am not waiting for any surgery of any kind! For the first time I am facing recovery instead of just trying to get through the year without getting any worse. This is the first year in a long time I am headed upwards towards getting healthy instead of downwards or staying the same. I can almost dedicate this year to getting my life back on track and hopefully look for a job at some point which is something I have wanted to do for a long time. Ever since 2004 when I had to quit my job because I was no longer able to work, I have longed for the day I could work again. I feel that there is more certainty for 2009 that I will get through this stuff finally and be able to live my life to the fullest I possibly can. I am almost putting a lot of expectations on this year but I hope to fulfill them. I need to also mention I don't normally make New Year's resolutions because I find that making resolutions once a year is a bad way to go. Though I guess this year is going slightly differently and I have made a few year long resolutions. I prefer to make monthly goals so that if I fail, I don't feel that the rest of the year is toast. Setting monthly goals is a good way to go because on the first day of every month I re evaluate and and set new goals for the month ahead. I find focusing on what I want to accomplish in each month vs each year is better because then I make smaller more attainable goals and I am not so overwhelmed. For the past couple yrs each month was basically just get myself through to next month, stay positive,which books I planned to read and then after surgery I tried to continue to recover from surgery and not get worse instead of better. Finally I should be able to start making some more substantial goals which is really exciting. I still wonder what this year will bring though.

Christmas 2008

Hello again,

Christmas 2008 (this year) went much better than Christmas 2007. I was in better shape this year and didn't have to wear that nasty brace! Also this year I was able to go into a couple stores for a few minutes during the Christmas season and hear Christmas music filling the stores and walking through the brisk winter air which is really what reminds me that Christmas is coming. Being able to experience this is something I missed out on last year. I love the Christmas season and how all the stores and houses get decorated so beautifully this time of year. Last Christmas I was not in a store once during the entire time that the Christmas music was being played which says alot about how much I could not get out of the house! I found it very depressing, as well as not having any money to get anyone anything and I was unable to sit up long enough to even make anything. My thinking did turn around when my mom explained that I didn't need to get anything and I realized that was not the point of Christmas. This year I had a tiny bit of money that I could spend a few dollars on each person and took advantage of online shopping as well since I still was not really up to going into stores too much yet. As I mentioned, I did get to go into a couple stores after being to Physio the one time and that was fun even though it was only for a few moments. For some reason the excursion really made my day! Weird I know, but when you are stuck at home so much-anything you do that you are out of the house is really quite fun. We started going to Wendys every once in awhile after Physio appointments which was and still is a definite highlight for me-in the last couple years I have not had the ability to have many burgers and I love Wendys burgers. My family found it amusing that getting fast food was something so exciting! The joke "you don't get out much" really fit. lol Anyways this year I was able to play a bigger role in preparing for Christmas. I was able to help decorate the tree and do a bit of Christmas baking which I missed out on last year. For Christmas day I was able to take part in more activities than last year and helped make a puzzle which we do every Christmas. I still had to continue to take breaks and rest my back but not as often as in Christmas 07. I was also able to stay up during the entire supper meal with out needing to lay down part way through to rest my back! No more cold food to come back to! lol We always open presents at night and I did have to lay down a couple moments between supper and opening gifts- but not long. I did need to still take a nap in the afternoon as well because by about half way through the day I am exausted. Overall I really enjoyed this Christmas and had a good time. Next year should be better because I won't have to rest my back hopefully at all and can spend the entire day with my family! But it was nice and a great reminder that things are improving! It just takes a time I guess.

Yet another appointment! November 3, 2008

Hello again,

Another appointment! I have given up on numbering the appointments (i.e-first follow up, 2nd follow up etc) because it is getting confusing. For this appointment I was supposed to go to my specialist's office which I haven't done too much-I normally see him at the hospital. I REALLY dislike going to his office because the waiting room has probably the most uncomfortable chairs I have ever sat in! They are wood and hard and shaped funny and not pleasent to sit in for very long if you are in pain. Even my family have a hard time sitting in them. Anyways, we had to wait quite a long time again and I can't even remember how long exactly (over an hour I think) but I remember my back was getting so bad that I started to feel sick and really dizzy and almost passed out but I didn't thankfully. I know shortly after, my back actually started to go a little numb so the pain kind of eased a little. But it is worth it I guess to wait because he is a really good doctor. I just wish that my specialist would get some comfier chairs! lol We eventually got into a room where I could lay down and rest my back which helped alot. The appointment went well and I feel bad because by the point I saw my specialist I had been up for most of the day (due to traveling to Edmonton and xrays before coming to the office) and I wasn't in the best shape any longer. But he felt that I was showing improvement so I must have improved if I was looking better still at that point! The neat thing was that being at the office, he was able to show me what the rod and screws looked like that were put in my back which was neat! He also gave me a screw to keep that is like the ones put in my back. When I first saw the screw, my jaw dropped just at the size of the screw. This screw is about 2 1/2 inches long! My mom and I both had the same question of how these screws are screwed into my spine and how one of these screws had come loose? Anyways I can post a picture of it because it is quite neat to see for anyone who has had surgery and even anyone just curious. Overall it was another good appointment with no surprises which is how I love the appointments to go! Another bonus was that my next appointment could be at the hospital again! lol
This is the screw I was given that is like the ones in my back holding my spine in place.

A quote

May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism.
Unknown

One year after first surgery

Hello,

The date of October 15 will now always hold significance to me because it is the date of my first surgery to fix my back. This October 15 (2008) marked one year since my surgery and I kept thinking about where I was a year before and how far I really had come. In the span of one year, I had two surgeries with the first one having minor complications that caused alot of pain and the second surgery finally fixing my back hopefully for good. Then there was also all the struggles that came with the two surgeries and recovery and frustrations etc. I couldn't help thinking that hopefully the next year would go better! I have to say I was proud of myself how much I had managed to get through and it was alot to get through. When you have this surgery, it is not just surgery that you have to get through-it is also the recovery process that follows which can be painstakingly slow and sometimes it seems as though there is no improvement and that can be discouraging. Plus it is also not being able to be independent and needing help with the basic things like being able to sit up for long periods of time and being able to drive myself where ever I wanted to go and lifting things that seemed so light before but impossibly heavy after the surgery. It was learning to ask for help when I needed it instead of doing it myself. It was learning patience which was something that I needed to learn badly. It was being stuck in bed for long periods of time after each surgery staring at the ceiling and trying to keep my sanity and not get bored. It was trying to find creative ways to pass the time while laying on my bed and trying not to dwell on all the stuff I could have been doing if I were not stuck in bed. It was yearning to be out and about around people when I was stuck at home by myself. I went through so many days that I felt so extremely alone and wished for someone/anyone to even phone me. I think the feeling of being so cut off from the world was the hardest thing emotionally to deal with. I don't mean to make anyone feel bad-I am just being very honest. I know people were busy and didn't have alot of free time and I accept that but I still felt the way I did. Also another struggle was trying to keep positive after learning things didn't go as planned and finding out I would need more surgery. Oh and wearing a brace was another thing to get through-it was not fun in the least! That hard plastic thing was hot and annoying and I was sooo glad to be rid of it when I finally could be! So many little things I got through and pushed through to get to the point I was at one year later and all I had been through really made me feel good about myself. I also felt that all that I had got through made me stronger and a better person in terms of learning patience which has been a work in progress for sure! Throughout the past few yrs I would think how my life was on hold and I was missing out but looking back as this point on this day, I think this actually was a part of my life that has made me hopefully a better person. I think this whole experience has enabled me to understand what it is like to go through some stuff and that it would better help me to relate with other people who are also struggling. Of course I would have rather not gone through this if I could have learned these things any other way! lol But I think the best way to understand something is to experience it firsthand. I just hope I can help someone even just a little.

Fall 2008

Hello again,

The weather was pretty good for fall I think and there were some really nice days that I spent outside on my lounge chair/bed and either read or laid outside to take in the rest of the warmth before the cold weather started to arrive. But since fall is typically the time when I normally do alot of helping out with preparing stuff for winter (i.e-cleaning up the vegetable garden), I felt really bad some days because I couldn't help this year once again. Emotionally I really had some bad days. I wish I could say that I am one of those people who can just relax and enjoy the free time I have when I am unable to do anything else but I am not. I constantly felt bad that my parents were doing so much and I wasn't helping out despite the fact that I could do very little to help. I felt so guilty about being unable to help that I often tried to help anyways despite not being in the best shape to do much. I remember one weekend that the Tomatoes in the greenhouse finally froze and that my mom was so busy that she could not get to it so I went outside and decided to pull Tomato plants. This is not an easy task when your muscles are weak from not being used for a long period of time and you have a sore back! Also these Tomato plants grew to about 4 or 5 ft so they were not small plants. I discovered that the plants were not coming out of the pots very easily so I decided to just take the little clippers and snip the plants just above the dirt and then toss the dead plants. The roots would still be in the pots in the spring but I figured I would be in better shape then to deal with them at that point. lol Well to make a long story short, I did too much and for the next couple weeks had terrible pain in my shoulder and part of my back and had pain when I moved. But I took care of the tomato plants and accomplished something so I trying not to complain. lol Then on Thanksgiving my sister and husband usually come over and we all take care of the massive amount of leaves that have fallen on our acreage. But this year I could not help so I figured I could at least take the camera and take pictures of it all and stayed outside when I could. We have alot of leaves that fall because we have planted over 300 trees here and it is absolutely beautiful but makes for a big clean up in the fall. I may not have gotten to help but I did get to spend some time outside with everyone. I almost forgot that I was given the go ahead to start with physio which was another milestone that meant I was improving. The only downside is that physio and the excercises are not easy but I knew that if I didn't do the excercises I was only hurting my chances of improving further. One way I helped myself to keep going when I would get tired and sore was to look at a couple pictures of me on the last mountain hike I did and remind myself that I was working towards doing that again. In a way I set a goal for myself and it helped me big time when I have wanted to quit or skip my exercises. I will go hiking again and things will improve.

First Follow Up after second surgery

No matter how dark the night, somehow the sun rises once again and all shadows are chased away. David Matthew

Hello again,

I saw this quote recently and thought it was the perfect way to start this blog entry. I feel it explains alot of what I have gone through emotionally and physically. Finally for the first time in a long time I felt that I was sort of seeing the sun peeking just over the horizon so to speak. Before this appointment, I was quite worried about what might happen after my experience with the previous surgery. I wasn't quite sure if it would be good or bad news and I was still in a fair bit of pain from the surgery to really know if there was any pain that shouldn't have been there. This appointment was on September 2,08 and it went like the first appointment after the first surgery should have gone. The xray was taken and my specialist looked at it and let me know that everything looked good and there were no problems. The one thing that was different this time around was that the steri strips still had not come off and were stuck to my skin like they had been applied with crazy glue. With the first surgery, the steri strips were already starting to peel off when I arrived home. But my specialist assured me that was fine and they would come off eventually. In the end (about a month later) my mom helped me peel them off when the skin under the steri strips was really starting to itch. Like I said at the beginning of this entry, things were starting to look up. I noticed almost right off after the surgery that I wasn't feeling the rod moving any more and the recovery process started that much sooner I think. This gave me hope that I could finally get through this whole thing and get my life back. At this point there was still a fair bit of recovery to get through but I could see that there was finally going to be an end to it and things would get better.

First month at home after second surgery

Hi again,
Well the big difference this time was that I noticed I was in less pain than the first time around even though it was still pretty bad. Something that was interesting was that I had quite an appetite despite still dealing with throwing up. Everything I ate tasted so so good! I have a theory that it was because of being subjected to the hospital food again. lol Whoever makes the food knows how to make it look appetizing but it never tasted quite as good as it looked. I remember I had some Kraft Dinner shortly after coming home and it tasted so good that I made myself an entire pot and ate it within the next couple days. Also I had a thing for grilled cheese sandwiches as well which I ate a lot of in the first week at home.
Something quite positive for me was finding out that I qualified for financial assistance from the provincial government and I could actually go to the dentist and eye doctor which I was not able to afford before this. I desperately needed to visit the dentist but I didn't have the money. The only hard part was asking for it because I felt so bad asking for this money and actually got pretty depressed about it. I felt I had gotten to a really low point that I needed to ask for this kind of help. What I learned though is that it is not something to be ashamed of. It has helped me so much and lifted one more thing off my shoulders that I felt was weighing me down. I didn't have to worry about how to pay for the stuff I needed any more. I still couldn't afford any wants-just needs but that totally didn't matter. I could take care of getting my cavities fixed without worrying about the money part of it and that was amazing to me.
Another difference between this surgery and the first surgery was that there was less swelling on my back and I could sleep through the night without waking up every few hrs in so much pain that I needed to take more pain killers. That was quite nice. I still had a lot of trouble getting around and needed my family's help. Something very much the same was that I had to get my muscles to stretch so I could reach the ground again but it was easier this time around. I think it took about a month to manage to be able to get down on the floor on my knees. Though pushing myself up was a little more difficult. I still had a few times I got down on the floor and couldn't get back up! That is what is so great about my family being around-when I got myself in these predicaments, I had someone to help me out. lol I can't say enough how grateful I am to my family for being there for me to help me through all of this. It is definitely not something I could have gotten through without their help. I completely didn't think about all the little things I would need help with before all of this-for example opening and closing a window was a definite challenge. I remember one night I had my window open and it got cold in my room but I had to leave it open because I simply couldn't get it closed and I didn't want to wake anybody up. I quickly learned to have it closed before people went to bed! lol Of course I have to admit I tried to close it myself but I just didn't have enough strength and ended up hurting myself. I really realized how many little every day things require our muscles and how I really did take that for granted before.

My second Surgery: August 14, 2008 and hospital stay

Hi again,


Ah, another surgery-what fun. lol Actually the preparation for this surgery was easier and less stressful than the first. This time we were able to come up the day before and stay with my sister and her husband at their place which was nice. On the way to Edmonton, we stopped at Wendys and I got my favorite snack-a junior hamburger deluxe combo! Yes I eat that as an occasional snack and no I am not overweight amazingly! All in moderation I say. Also my sister and her husband were amazing and bought an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen for dessert that night and I saw it as a celebration that this surgery would finally give me a chance to live a life with out so much pain. The first surgery was supposed to be that and was in some ways but there was a small hurdle to cross (the rod coming loose) before getting to live a life without all that pain I was dealing with.


The morning of the surgery was a long one because apparently there were complications with the surgery before me so mine was late. That was ok though because my dad found some Reader's Digest magazines and read me jokes and then my mom and I talked as well. We got a little bored and I entertained my parents by making origami with paper towel which actually worked better than I thought it would! Though I wouldn't suggest it if you have paper on hand! lol


When things finally got underway I was wheeled into the operating room and actually got to see what it looked like and I remember thinking I wonder if I saw it the first time too and forgot it due to the anesthetic so I thought really hard to remember what it looked like so I would remember when I woke up! Amazingly I remembered it still when I woke up but I remember realizing the room I was in looked alot different and darker. I guess something happened during the surgery that I lost blood and needed to get 4 units of blood and be closely monitored for the first day I think. I want to say that I am thankful to people who donate blood because it was there when I needed it and I am very thankful for that. I can't say that it was a life and death situation for me because I don't think it was but I did need the blood and it was there because of the many wonderful people who take the time to donate it. Also I remember something wasn't quite right with my right arm. When I tried to grab a cup of water I realized that first it was difficult to grab it because my arm didn't seem to want to do what I told it to do. Then when I finally got it and tried to lift the cup, I dropped it all over me because my arm just sort of flopped down. I learned later that apparently a nerve probably got stretched or something while I was on the operating table because of the way I had to lay on the table. Anyways I started to find it amusing because I would attempt to lift my arm and it would just flop down and also trying to touch my nose was next to impossible! It only lasted the first day I think and then started to get better but was a source of amusement to me while it lasted. It kept me occupied. lol The week in hospital this time around was actually less painful than the first time but I threw up just as much. With each nurse I had, I had to explain how much I threw up and I remember feeling bad for the nurses because of all the times they had to deal with cleaning it up. The food was hospital food and not that great but on the last day I was in the hospital I got a ham sandwich for lunch which tasted sooo good compared to other food I'd had. So in terms of hospital food, I left the hospital on a good note/meal. lol I was so ready to go home though and happy I didn't have to stay any longer! I did notice a big difference though-when I was ready to leave the hospital I was already able to sit up a little longer than I had been able to before this surgery which was very encouraging.

Summer 2008

Hello again,


First I would like to say that summer was shorter than I expected because I got a call in June I believe that there was a cancellation and I could have surgery on August 14th. I had mixed emotions about it being in August. I was happy that the surgery was alot sooner than first thought and I would not have to wait in pain but sad because I would miss out on the last part of summer. Of course that was a small price to pay for getting surgery sooner and not having to deal with the loose rod any longer.


The summer was interesting and it is funny thinking back to summer right now during the middle of winter! Oh how I would love to have summer right now! In the spring I decided I would still try to grow some plants in the green house despite the pain and the darn brace and everything else. I am glad I did because it really gave me a reason to get outside and feel useful and feel that I had accomplished something when I was dealing with so many limitations. Also there is something amazing about nurturing seeds into plants and watching them grow into something beautiful. It became the highlight of my day to spend time in the greenhouse and truly brightened my day at a time when I seemed to have some pretty depressing days. The only drawback was the constant reminders that I still had limitations recovering from surgery like if I needed something as simple as a pot moved-I needed to wait until someone could help me. I also could only manage about 10 minutes out in the greenhouse so I would often be seen walking back and forth from the greenhouse to the house to lay down and rest my back. My family found this amusing and I sort of started to as well. But I think my parents also felt bad for me and built me a lounge chair/bed that they put by the greenhouse so I didn't have as far to walk and could lay outside in the warm sunshine when I needed to rest my back. It also gave me the ability to lay outside in the shade with a good book when I couldn't be up. This was a much better option to me than being cooped up inside feeling frustrated that I was missing summer because I was stuck inside. The hardest part I think I dealt with was not being able to help out with stuff I normally did like mowing the lawns and weeding the flower beds and helping in the garden etc. Sometimes I got so frustrated with stuff that I just did it anyways and ended up not doing myself any favors and end up worse off than before. I kept thinking I would eventually learn and know my limitations and listen to them but I guess it isn't easy because I didn't seem to learn.

Decision to go through with a second surgery In 2008

Hello again,


In the end it really wasn't a hard decision to make on whether to agree to the second surgery. The rod in my back was loose and shifting when I would walk causing pain and I was not seeing any more improvement in recuperating. I was in pain and it was no longer decreasing. I was sort of stuck at this point where anything I tried just wasn't being very helpful. The only downside was that I was informed that I could be waiting till October or November before I could get in for surgery. All I could do was understand that is how our not so lovely health care system works and there wasn't much I could do to change that. At least this surgery was my second time around and I knew what to expect and the pain that would come afterwards. So I had almost no worries about the surgery. In the back of my mind there was a thought or two that there were some risks with surgery which I think my family was concerned about as well. I prayed and tried to put it in God's hands and that was all I could do. With the first surgery I wished I could be awake and make sure nothing went wrong but realized that was silly because I knew much less than the doctors did! I know my specialist is very good at what he does and had no doubt I was in good hands. I just needed to deal with the waiting and patience has never been a strong suit for me! I thought this whole experience would teach me patience but at this point I still had not mastered it. lol But luckily to my benefit, the surgery date did come sooner than expected.

Apology for my absense

Hello again,
It is January 2009 and alot has happened since my last post and I felt the need to apologize for not keeping my blog updated. My last post was in June of 2008 and at that point I was starting to spend more time outside and then I had more surgery and I have been dealing with recovery and what not which I would like to explain in further detail still. Thank you for reading my blog and I hope to have everything up to date soon! Thank you for your patience as well.